The Tale of Red Krákulka

Once upon a time, there was a family, I think it was somewhere in the city of Most. And that family had a daughter, a real beauty. This girl loved wearing a red beret, and since she had been smoking twenty cigarettes a day since she was fourteen, she had a real raspy "croak" (krákání) to her voice. That's why they started calling her Krákulka. And because nowadays we have the need to name things internationally, she started calling herself Red Krákulka.

One fine summer day, the family sent Krákulka to see her grandmother. She was supposed to give her something for her 112th birthday. Krákulka mouthed off for a while, saying she had other interests, like hanging out with her "individuals." Those are her best friends: Deafo, the Midget, and Skeleton from the Stork. But more on them another time, that's a different story.

Red Krákulka packed her rucksack with all the things for her grandma. What do you think it was, dear child? Do you think it was a cake and a bottle of wine? Hmmm, don't be naive. She packed some "crank" (perník), weed, and a little bottle of rum, and set off on her way. Now you'll surely say she went through a deep forest and met a Wolf—wrong again. Nowadays, forests are long gone, let alone any actual wolves.

She set off on foot along the main bypass heading east, skipping along, smoking away, and whistling some foul language to boot. Well, just years of training. You'd better not try it; it's quite physically demanding. And as she's trekking along, a silver BMW drives past her, with an older guy inside, hairy as a bear. He brakes and eventually stops. He waited for Krákulka to catch up and asked where she was strolling so happily. Krákulka replied: "Hey, you're pretty curious, aren't you? Better tell me what your f***ing name is." The guy grinned and said: "Wow, you're real sharp, I'm Wolf."

"Get in the car and I'll give you a lift for a bit." And because Krákulka wasn't afraid of anything or anyone—after all, she's nobody's lunch—she got in.

And here my story ends; it drove off quickly and Wolf and Krákulka were never heard from again.

Surely you're asking, what about grandma? Was she sad that no one visited her on her birthday? Wrong again. She had such bad sclerosis that she didn't even know she had a birthday at all.