About Snow White and the 7 Dwarves

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom, and in it lived an evil queen. She had a stepdaughter named Snow White. Yes, indeed, and you're absolutely right—our Snow White is somewhat similar to the good old Snow White you know.

So, to pick up where I left off: the queen was not only evil, she was also ugly, and worst of all, she was a witch. From the moment the king died, this hag made sure our dear Snow White knew exactly how much she was disliked and that the queen had no intention of sharing the rule of the kingdom with her.

Every evening, the queen would crawl into her little room where she had a High-Tech magic mirror and perform a magical key combination. Something like this: "Mirror, mirror, who's the fairest of them all? Speak up and don't give me any crap." I might have overcomplicated that part—the queen would have to be like an octopus to hit all those keys, but who knows, maybe she could manage even without tentacles.

And the mirror always replied: "Your Majesty, your Highness, you are the most beautiful of all, and there is none above you."

On the day of Snow White's eighteenth birthday, which the queen ruined as much as she possibly could, she crawled into her little room again and pressed that magical keyboard shortcut. The mirror crackled, hissed, let out a puff of scent, and finally, the whole thing burst out laughing: "Who's the fairest of them all?? Well, definitely not you!!" A roar of laughter followed, and then a list of the most beautiful people in the whole world—and worst of all, Snow White was at the top.

The queen turned red with rage, then green, and finally purple. And just when she thought it was her last moment, she caught her breath again and smashed the dear mirror into tiny pieces. I'd really like to know where she's going to get a new one, seeing as she's only eligible for a new communication aid once every hundred years.

Anyway, while she was still in a fury, she drove Snow White out of the castle, firmly hoping she would perish in the forest.

Snow White cried and for a moment didn't know what to do, but after a while, she remembered her childhood years when she was a member of the Pioneers, the Scouts, the Woodcrafters, and many other organizations. The only thing she lacked was the Brotherhood of the Cat's Paw—she didn't get in there because they were already at full capacity.

So she sat on a stump and started thinking about what her instructors would do. Suddenly, a thought flashed through her head. She dropped to her knees, buried her snout almost into the dirt, and started sniffing. After a while, when her nose was full of ants, leaves, pine needles, and heaven knows what else, she stood back up and, with a lot of cursing, told herself that this wasn't the way. She stood there for a bit and then, following the example of her Red Brothers (the Cheyennes), she started looking for tracks in the grass.

And what do you think she tracked down, dear child? A mammoth, a grizzly bear, or perhaps a herd of buffalo? Hmmm, neither one nor the other. She came across a cottage in the middle of the forest. In that cottage lived dwarves. These days, they're called "dwarfs." They stared at the girl for a while like she'd fallen from the moon, but they quickly became friends and accepted her among them. Once Snow White told them her whole story, the dwarves thought it over. For a moment, Snow White thought their little heads were going to burn up—they were smoking so much—until the oldest one said: "It'll be fine, totally okay. Just watch out, that old coffin from the castle won't leave you alone once she finds out you survived."

Snow White sat down and started to sob quietly. "And what should I watch out for? How will I know she's coming after me again?"

The oldest one said: "Well, in the old story, she tried a poisoned apple. But considering she could get up to 15 years in prison for food poisoning, she won't go for an apple this time." They tried as hard as they could, but they couldn't come up with anything useful. So they just let it be.

Several months passed, then a few years, and eventually even those hundred years, and the queen bought a new mirror at the state's expense. She unpacked it, turned it on immediately, and of course, typed in the keyboard shortcut.

This mirror didn't laugh, but immediately blurted out: "In this world, thanks to Dermacol, Oriflame, and frequent visits to KFC and McDonalds, Snow White is the most beautiful."

In the course of two hundred years, she almost had her second heart attack, but as is often the case, the wicked are tough, so she caught her breath again and started plotting how to get rid of Snow White. She took the biggest apple from a basket and injected it with the deadliest poison. It was so poisonous that even the apple turned blue.

The queen put on her makeup—hihihi, what nonsense. Over those hundred years, she had truly become such a witch that she had trouble recognizing herself. So, correction: without makeup, she grabbed the apple (which had turned purple in the meantime) and set off according to the coordinates provided by the mirror to find Snow White.

Snow White was just staring out the window of the cottage when, out of nowhere, an old lady stands before her and hands her an apple of a critically yellow color. Our protagonist looks at it and thinks: "In that previous story... what was her name? Hmmm, doesn't matter... they poisoned her with an apple too." But just as she was about to say she wouldn't take that beautiful crimson apple, an objection flashed through her mind. "I won't be stupid. Such a beautiful apple that changes color every moment... plus, nobody could be so dumb as to use the same poisoning trick twice."

So she took the apple from the witch, didn't even say thank you, and immediately bit into it. The queen sat on a bench in front of her and watched her with a smile. However, that smile disappeared from her face after about five minutes, because Snow White gobbled up the apple including the core, licked her fingers, and calmly went back into the cottage.

Let me explain it to you, dear child. Our Snow White had stuffed herself with so many toxins throughout her life—like burnt grease, for example—that a poisoned apple couldn't faze her at all.

And what happened to the queen? That's really simple. When she realized her plan had failed and that she might have to come up with something else, she got so angry that her heart truly burst. And that's that.

The older folks who read the story of Snow White will now object: "And what about the prince? Where's the prince who saved Snow White??" I'll answer that question for you too. Any even slightly sensible princess would tell you, you big-noses, that princes are more trouble than they're worth.

First, there would have to be a wedding—I won't even calculate how much that would cost. For a little while, the marriage might even work, but eventually, there would be a divorce and with it the constant fighting over property. Forget it, it's better this way.

The bell has rung for the day, Snow White has her peace and quiet, okay?