A Tale of One Velkoořechovian

Minutes from the meeting of the Velkoořechov Community – VC

My name is Zikmund ric Kvákenrejn, and I am the most prominent representative of the VC, and these are the minutes from the meeting of all the vassals of our association. The year is eighteen hundred and ninety-five Anno Domini.

Attendance:
While thirty-three representatives were supposed to attend, only five showed up yesterday. But that doesn't matter at all; they've been paid anyway, and they wouldn't have been able to do much about the proposals I intend to present regardless. Among the participants are Špán cher Chrundimbal, Raimund fon Netáhlung, and the others are so insignificant that it would be a waste of ink to list them here.

I hereby open the session to resolve problems in our highly esteemed Velkoořechov. The opening time is 1:00 PM. Working hours may start at eight, but who would wake up at such an un-Czechoslovakian hour.

Listed below are the individual agenda items for approval, accompanied by my own speech.

I happened to come across—and I emphasize, by pure chance—the Dalimil Chronicle and a bunch of other nonsense along with it. Why by chance? Because as a matter of principle, I don't read anything I haven't written myself. As soon as I started reading these older texts, I was horrified. Who cares when someone was born or what they created? Therefore, so that nothing else repeats itself in the future and to avoid any legal disputes over sharing sensitive data, I propose establishing a control office: the Bureau for Uselessly Zealous Entry of Records. In short, BUZER.

Let's vote. One in favor, the rest against. Approved. Let's move on.

The second item on the agenda is the problem of the confusing nature of the dues paid to the Velkoořechov Community. Since some minor craftsmen are hiding golden groschen under their pillows and thus avoiding higher taxes, I propose introducing PET, that is, Paper Evidence of Transactions. This way, in the coming years, we will avoid the possibility of smaller guilds tucking money away in their straw mattresses. It will only affect those smaller craftsmen, since the bigger ones will find a way to cheat the nobility anyway, but why shouldn't we indulge in a little harassment? Simply put: those who have enough will have even more, and we'll skin the rest alive.

Let's vote. One in favor, the rest against. Approved. Moving on.

Since various diseases and other ailments have become far too widespread, and there is no way to monitor how many gold coins go to individual lepers, I propose that for the coming years, every monastery, hospice, and other designated organization must fill out parchment-forms for each afflicted person. For now, I have absolutely no clue what these parchment-forms should look like, but I'm clear that there will be about a hundred of them.

By the time the nuns or other designated persons finish filling them out for a medically unfit leper, research proves that the person in question will have already departed for the next world. This will drastically reduce expenditures from the Velkoořechov treasury.

Let's vote. Three in favor, the rest against. Approved. Moving on.

Well, "moving on"—there's probably nothing left to discuss. Everything I wanted, I pushed through. First of all, Johnny from the Republic spoke up and was pestering about some local spirit and a claim for care regarding its name, and he even dragged cranberries into it. But what do I care about some vassal from a country I don't even know where it is, which is so small it can't even be seen on the largest map? Let alone what it should be named. Therefore, we will also take away this dwarf's spirit name and those cranberries he's fighting so hard for. I might be being malicious, but it's just out of principle. We'll sell our stuff to someone bigger who pays more; I don't care about any privileges from times past.

Who is in favor? Me! That settles it. Let's go to lunch.

This assembly ended well; I pushed everything through, and what I didn't change today, I'll force through another time. Thanks for attending, and don't forget to pick up your reward for being present at the meeting.

What's the takeaway from all this? "That he who has power will have even more. Honor and strength are not in vogue, and when two people fight, stand on the side of the stronger one."